Cabongaoan

Sometimes I come across a lost paradise that disrupts my thinking. Cabongaoan was one of those places. I thought I knew what I've seen and considered to be special; yet, somewhere along the path some place or something new comes along that surprises you. Seeing her, how beautiful, you say; yet how unfortunate that she cannot belong to you.

Indeed, I have a love affair with entities of an idyllic nature; especially those with exceptional, simple beauty that have been relatively unnoticed or hidden to the rest of the world. If I could make it a mission to scour the world for such, I would; yet what would be the point if they could never be mine. But then again, maybe sharing moments in this life is precious enough.

Cabongaoan is enticing. I can see myself herding goats along its rolling fields and surrounding pastoral landscape. And I could just as easily see myself as a fisherman along its shore. But what if another came along? It is perhaps human nature; and if not, then it is mine. What an insurmountable guilt and excruciating pity it would be to leave a life you had grown accustomed and attached to for another that would seem so attractive and just as regretful not to experience. It is a dilemma that has risen with the emergence of civilization.

It is a tug of war between emotions, logic, and instinct -- of whether one can obtain these paradisaical desires without ripping others or oneself apart. It is walking that fine line without falling off the edge of the cliff, or at least having done so in a manner that those you have crossed will help you back up in case you do falter -- an understanding and care borne out of love. This dilemma has stood the test of time, for most cultures at least.

What makes me think that I can one day obtain such hybrid of freedom without loss? I do not know. But health and youth are still with me; and there lives a constant yearn and energy to explore and experience, and to leave a part of oneself; perhaps ultimately as a seed that grows and reminds that a bond lives -- a true testament of memories and a love shared. To lose this feeling, I believe, would be to lose one of my life's purposes and driving forces.

It has been three months since my last post. True, I have been busy. But I also try to abstain from my instincts. Like a dormant volcano, I stare off into the horizon, doing my best to keep focused on the paved road with horse's blinders on, though I know I have lion's eyes. Else my thinking becomes disrupted. Just like what had been with Cabongaoan.

Yet, I forget how you can only keep a fire tame for so long, before it ultimately runs wild and consumes what it must. Sometimes I've noticed that prolonged restrain only elicits a more pronounced reaction. An extreme begets a polar extreme.

Ultimately, it is an artificial dam blocking a passageway where water naturally flows. It is only a matter of time before overwhelmingly powerful natural phenomena breaks the confinement and lets the water run free. And when it does, it will undoubtedly be an inundation.