Castle in the Sky

Dingalan has somehow cast a spell on me. The brightness, the positivity, the paradise -- have somehow enchanted my soul. But the problem is, it has caused a glitch in my mind, and has now revealed the darkness in my life.

The past couple of weekends, I've been lost. Some days I'd aimlessly walk the streets of Metro Manila in the middle of the night. Just low-key spectating the world around me, maybe subconsciously wondering if an innocent, shiny meteorite will be destined to cross my path and bring springtime.

And on another occasion, I randomly contacted my old friend Simon, and I spontaneously just chose a mountain for us to climb. A mountain in the middle of an island -- Mt. Tagapo on Talim Island -- and this island is in the middle of Laguna Bay.

It was a tiring climb, but it felt temporarily satisfying to exhaust my body and distract my mind. In fact, even Simon couldn't finish the climb. He quit about 70% of the way to the top, and so I had to finish it myself.

A day or so after, and I was back to the grind. But still, my mind was not the same. What was I working for anymore? What am I trying so hard for anymore? I've somehow lost track of my direction.

Flowers trying to bloom, new lights tantalizing the senses, temptations trying to lure me away, and distant birds singing they can love me better -- all these things swirling in my head, convincing me that I should pause to look, smell, and listen. Is it true? Are there other paradises out there meant for me? If so, then I am waiting for God (if there is a God) to show me.

Then I received a text message from Simon. He said something that struck me:

"Best, ngayon may kaya ka na sa buhay, pero the sad truth is, watak watak naman. Imbis na dapat masaya ka sa narating mo, parang the other way around ang life mo."

And as I thought about it, he's right. People around me loved me more genuinely when I had barely anything. In my mind, I thought they might love me more if I could provide more, but I guess I was wrong. Material things would slowly, in their minds, begin to eclipse the magic, the memories, and me.

Over time, they've chosen more and more to focus on external characters. The castle I built over the years for our future -- now the so-called friends benefit from it. And to put salt on a bleeding wound, these circles continue to discredit me, laugh at me, insult and disrespect me, and turn a blind eye to the truth of it all. Every year, I would always be the one to adjust and patch up the pieces that they tear down. This time, I will wait for them to come to their senses.

I have nothing more to prove. I've done my best to work hard for many years. I put in the effort for what was physically possible. Blood, sweat, and tears (yes, literally all three and more). And what do I have to show for it? Not much. My life is still in tatters. I spent years as a robot for others, taking care of responsibility, toiling away so that life would be comfortable for them. And now that they are fine for the long-term, they've forgotten me. Forgotten that they said they were my friend, forgotten that they said I was a brother, forgotten that they said I was family, and forgotten that they said I was their love forever.

If there is a God, then I hope he is witnessing all of this. Does he really watch every step, every move? Does he really see everything? Because it is beyond being unfair, it is cruel to the deepest version of its meaning, and it has been that way for a very long time. Where is God's justness? Or mercy? Maybe there is no such thing. So if he intends on just letting me get trampled on, then I hope he will not be surprised if I falter and succumb, as I am only human, and as a mere mortal, I can only bear so much.