Paradox

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

Try as I may, I am having a hard time focusing these days (months, actually... almost half a year now, and it just keeps twisting and piling up).  There is a deep sadness and disappointment that clouds over me as I ponder upon life...  You try your best and give it your all, but life just doesn't seem to reciprocate, sometimes bringing you the opposite, and even hitting you from all sides.  It's a disheartening paradox; you cannot even fathom.  Only God knows (or maybe he doesn't) how I'm still, relatively, here.


There is no one who truly knows the real me, what I feel, what I endure, and the whole extent of all the misfortunes that have come my way.  Now that I think about it, there is no one in my life I can truly tell everything to.  Even this blog, which has served as somewhat of an imaginary friend, cannot serve as a tell-all.  It merely serves as a virtual ear or shoulder to lean on, of someone who might listen to me, or feel me, when I am alone in spirit.

They say God, if in existence, is omniscient; can see, feel, and know all.  But I don't think so.  Because if he did, life would not be this way.

When the world uses you up, spits you out, and takes away the things in life that are important to you... what do you do?  When you think the rain is finally going to stop for a while, but misfortune upon misfortune still continue to strike... can you still make it until the rainbow?  When those closest to you leave you or are no longer there to help you... who do you turn to?  When you weep and there is no one there who hears or cares, as you crumble and fall...  who will catch you?

Don't expect God's twinkling hands to come swooping up to save you at the last second, or a guardian angel frantically flapping its wings and jet-diving in to grab your hand in the nick of time...

While I was walking the streets, I decided to help out a little, because I thought to myself -- is God really going to help?  I don't think so.  Has he been helping me?  No, definitely not.  Has he been helping these people I see on the streets?  No -- because if he has, they would not have all ended up like this.  And all the while, he has allowed the head honchos at the top of society to cheat and eat away at this world.

I see setbacks and sorrows befalling those with kind hearts, and I also see the stars aligning for the polar opposite (if they did not manipulate or cheat the system to make the stars align for them).

Of course, this could all be attributed to the likely fact that God does not exist.  Either that, or God is just a mean or neglectful entity that essentially abandoned us all to fend for ourselves in a very messed up, unfair system and uneven playing field.

These unfortunate people I met...  They must have been wondering about my actions, but they don't know that they gave me something more than I gave them.  I've been down lately with so many things slicing me, and the loving atmosphere and good vibrations they emitted -- although only fleeting -- I really needed to help me get by another day and to protect myself from my own self.

But now a couple of days later after the weekend, I am on my own again...  Work is here again and it waits for no one.  My mind can handle complex intellectual matters, and my body can endure great physical loads that would have both God and Satan scratching their heads as to how neither of them have caught up to me just yet.  But I have a few weaknesses, and when pinpointed, I disintegrate just like that...

Though even in the aftermath and among the rubble, the heart still beats and tries to put things back together again.  It's sad that the heart beats tirelessly, quietly, and relatively monotonously most of the time, that we hardly even know it's there beating all the time.  We take it for granted; until it tires, malfunctions, becomes ill, or stops.

Just like our heart, that wishes it could pump us life forever, I wish I could do more to help others.  A child whispered that I must be Superman...  I really wish I could be that hero that saves the day for everyone.  But I am imperfect, only mortal, only human, and also only a number of heart beats, just like everyone else... I can only do so much, and only the best that I can.