Alyesa (Aly)... I met her in a unique time in both of our lives. She was working as a saleslady at a mall kiosk, living in a hard area of town. I was just walking by that day... I had been alone for quite some time, and it seemed no one was coming back in my life (one due to circumstances, two due to length of time). So at that time, I had been depressed for so long, that it was just her smile, nod, and a twinkle in her eyes... it touched me, and gave me a little sunlight during my darkest days. It could have been anyone really, but God made it her.
I thought maybe, coming from humble beginnings, that she'd be different... that she might appreciate me and not take me for granted if I were to trust her with my heart, because when I love, it is so strong and sacrificial that you could plot my demise and I would not even realize it until it's too late...
As I got to know her, I was fascinated and also saddened by her life... I sympathized about her situation of being alone in poor living conditions with no family to lean on for support, and I was amazed how she was somehow able to endure it all and keep a positive outlook. I moved fast, as I often do, so it was an intimate relationship already from the 2nd meeting and we had been a couple ever since then. I wanted to help her and uplift her out of the hard life she was living, so I began financially supporting her from the very start, and she quit her job almost immediately, which I was glad she did because she had been stressed at her workplace.
She was very different from others that I had met in the past, and I was not quite sure what to think about all her peculiarities, but I decided to look beyond them and just try to understand her and adapt. After all, there were specific things she said that were more important to me, which included that she was "locked in" with me, that she would give me a family, that she was loyal, and that she would never leave me. During a couple of cold periods, she even hurt herself, and conveyed that she wanted to continue our relationship, and that really got me, because it reminded me of myself.
It was not too long after that when we began living in together. That is when her peculiarities and bizarre behaviors intensified, to the point that the neglect and cruel treatment towards me were becoming unbearable. Still, I was already waist-deep into this and could no longer turn back, so I just kept trying to understand her and adapt, even though I was suffering immensely. I thought to myself, maybe something happened in her past or her childhood, because surely no one can be born this cruel... Surely there is some goodness deep down inside her... I figured that if I continued to show her genuine care and love, that it would be powerful enough to improve and mend the cracks.
Eventually, she became pregnant with my child in May/June, and that gave me a glimmer of hope, as I looked forward to having a little David or a little Aly, but sadly it would not last. Somewhere along the line, she had met a guy that would end up causing a massive negative chain reaction, which started when he facilitated her addiction to illegal drugs. If anyone reading this gets involved with that guy, in any capacity, beware.
The guy, and the drugs he supplied her with, severely corrupted her mind and moral judgment, as she began acting instead on impulse and instant dopamine surges, rather than on virtue, long-term outlook, and meaningfulness. Her financial exploitation of me eventually went into overdrive, which I assume they were also making use of to fuel their drug-filled escapades. Her conscience became non-existent.
It culminated in the loss of our baby, and the destruction of all that I was painstakingly trying to build. I had poured so much -- emotionally, my efforts, my time, my heart, my devotion, my dignity, and financially (millions). While her life, which I tried so hard to help, stumbled back to its origin of instability and chaos; and until she can come to her senses, her future remains a dark question mark. I wish she could see the danger and destruction of her current path, and I pray that she'd wake up before it's too late...
It's all hard for me to understand, but I guess drugs can drive you to hurt even those who have showed you the greatest kindness. Instinctively, I want to fix it all, since I always believe that I can. I am sad and frustrated, because as I look at her childhood pictures, I see that glimmer of goodness that I know she has deep inside her, and I want to bring it back and save her. I want to make everything better, instead of just giving up and throwing it all away... But even her own family can't seem to get through to her, so I don't know if only the harsh reality of life can.
And because of the magnitude of this negative chain reaction, my own future is now also up in the air. I keep bleeding inside. I'm getting tired of life; jaded because of the never-ending string of bad luck I encounter despite of all the good and hope that I try to bring, and the memories of everything that continue to linger and haunt me. It seems my significance is always only seen later on, rather than in the present.
Moreover, due to all the extreme turbulence over time, where I can't seem to come across any reliability, any consistency, or any reassurance, coupled with my attachment issues, people-pleasing tendency, and my deep devotional love; I just don't think life is going to turn out well for me anymore. I helped bring many people's dreams to life, yet my own remain broken. Accumulated tragedies are not something you escape unscathed; they stay with you. I entered the danger zone a long time ago... And I don't think I'll ever be able to make it out of this death spiral.
Four have entered my core, but I already know the ending of this... I will be alone. I keep trying to relive and replicate the good parts of the past, but I don't think it will ever be the same. I just try to mimic shades of it in my current fragmented life, but for the most part, I often just revisit it in my mind. Nostalgia is bittersweet because you have the joy of remembering a happy time, with the sorrow that you're no longer there, and the pain of reaching for something that you can no longer grasp.
Get Here - Oleta Adams
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UH54tx-Ho8
Yesterday - Leona Lewis
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVIoQ511nBQ
Moonlight - Ariana Grande
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRNUYAprBx8
All I Need To Hear - The 1975
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abJbPJqteDI
Back for Good - Take That
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntW28zdGkSI
You'll Be In My Heart - NIKI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TBhFfda0dM
I Can Love You Like That - All-4-One
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iW8M-x94cEc
