Ember

Thursday, July 5, 2018

I wrote an article a few years back, entitled "The Wind and the Fire".  I spoke metaphorically about an inspirational time in my life.  I was the fire.  And the wind had breathed new motivation in me.  Yet, over the years, the caressing breeze and harmony turned into violent storms and tornadoes.  Regardless, the fire in me was able to withstand, albeit barely at times, all the torrential havoc.

But in recent months, the wind waned until finally dissipating.  Fatigue with the situation had probably been setting in, having grown tired with me and the same old thing.  Distant flashy lights, perhaps much brighter and more dazzling than my flames, were probably also calling, gradually pulling the wind away.  I became eclipsed, and all good that I have done, forgotten and taken for granted.  Instead, insulting, hurtful words hurled at me, demeaning me and beating me into submission, before finally deserting me altogether.

All hatred, and all destruction.  I try to build, but just get disrupted and torn down.  I am not a mean person.  I always try to be nice, but I don't receive compassion in return.  And I just don't get it.  Where is the care for me?  It seems there is none.  Instead, it seems like pleasure is obtained from my pain, from torturing me, from my suffering...

To be deserted is a horrible feeling.  So is having to watch every step I take, and every move I make, for fear that any slight action could bring on a storm at any moment.  Regardless, I don't understand how battling or bombarding someone with stress makes anything better, when instead peace could be sought, so that energy could be channeled towards positive/constructive things, like work and health.

But alas, that is not the case, so here I am at a park -- solitary, timing shots, with so many thoughts troubling my mind.  Pathetic, really.  But also breaking a sweat and trying to prevent the body from falling apart.  Because unfortunately, without a durable body, I would not be able to withstand all the stresses of this turbulent life.  However, the damage is starting to catch up.  I am beginning to feel the wear and tear, and I'm not healing as fast or as completely anymore.  I used to feel invincible, but now I realize my vulnerability, as forms of kryptonite have revealed themselves.

I am no longer the blazing fire I used to be.  Just like the fading remains of a past emotion, I am an ember, holding on and hoping to be rekindled again.