Dreaming of You

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

I wake up, back in this dreary world.  The curtains shut, with only faint light coming in; I can't tell if it's still day or night now, but there is no reason to check, so I don't bother getting up.  I was looking through photographs earlier, when my mind began to race away, re-visiting old memories.  Swept away into a trance that I did not want to leave, my mind adamantly kept on with its recollections until my eyes gradually closed, perhaps hoping my reminiscing would continue on in my dreams...

Now I am awake again, staring at the ceiling.  Stuck in time.  A vampire perhaps, but I lack any carnal hunger, or any appetite at all.  Maybe a phantom... as anyone who catches a glimpse of me only sees a mask, unbeknown to them of the sorrow inside.

I can faintly hear the whispering of the wind through the cracks of the windows and doors.  I listen closely, wondering if it is speaking to me.  I whisper back, perhaps talking to myself, but also, just maybe my voice and wishes would fly with the wind.

There is only silence now.  My eyes trying to see in the darkness, but unable to understand it all or make anything out in my isolated corner.  My mind is adrift again, and I feel a stabbing feeling in my stomach and chest as certain thoughts and fears flash in the dark.  Sometimes I think to myself that I would rather be severely sick, so that my thoughts and feelings can lie dormant for a while.  But I guess I would lose my work if so...

Still staring in the dark, my mind continues to float around... but I need to get up and do things.  Even simple things, like eat.  But motivation is frozen, and my body no longer wants to move or do anything.  Unfortunately though, time will not allow that... so I struggle and die a little everyday.

When you are with someone for so long and when you have breathed them inside you so deeply, it's like two substances that have been perpetually mixed; coalesced and united, it becomes no longer truly dissoluble and no longer entirely disintegrable, each now part of the other.  To forcefully remove one would also be killing part of the other; especially the one that immersed itself too much or even completely, without holding back and without fear of exposing their vulnerabilities.  Trying to take away such an important and indelible part of me is torture and bleeding out the life that breathes in me.  And when something so crucial is missing, it's a constant suffering with heartbreak, agony, tears, and emptiness.

Perhaps seeing my despair and being powerless to do anything about it, my friend Orlan, who is closest in proximity, has become distant.  Maybe he could see that I am now only a shadow of myself -- a ghost that drifts, with no direction; a torn soul veering back and forth between dream and reality, all beneath a weeping sky.

Or maybe it is I who had become distant, gradually becoming closed off from the world around me.  Either way, I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks, so I've been venturing on my own.  I guess that's what a camera's timer is for.

With him gone, there is no one left to communicate with.  Everyone else has given me the cold-shoulder; perhaps because it's hard to care or understand if you cannot empathize, feel, or are not involved, or don't want to.  But maybe that is okay, since in the very beginning, there was no go-between in the way when my path and hers collided.  It was seven years ago, in the middle of winter, and I had been in a cold spell.  But rarer than a shooting star, an angel possessed the warmth and magic to melt the ice away, and my heart too.  Spring came early that year for me and its graceful wind breathed new life into my soul.  Only Destiny was our friend back then, convincing Time for our chance encounter; somehow bringing us together until Love would bloom, with the intent of charming Fate to take us to a place called Forever.

It is easy for others to say, that anyone is easily replaceable.  But I disagree.  Flesh, material, and anything shallow are easily replaceable, yes.  But the chance meeting in this time and in this universe, the chemistry and the charm, the meaningful silence and conversations, the inspiration, the magic of romance, the kiss and holding you tight, the emotions that cannot be described, the sparks and fireworks, the blooming of love, the occasions and experiences shared and endured, the journey together through life, the simplicities and the complications, the pain and the healing, the joys and the embraces, the trials and holding on together throughout, the lulls and the excitement, the stumbles and the successes, the movies and the songs, the food and the fun, the letters and the cards, the cherished mementos and photographs, the times missing you and the elation of seeing you again, the thoughts and wishes, the tears and the laughter, and of course all the memories along the way...  Memories that, to others, may bear no weight at all.  But to those who share them, who actually feel them, it means the world.  All of that, just to mention a few... But it is enough to respond to the statement -- anyone is easily replaceable.  My answer is -- No.

The nest is still and silent now; lonely and devoid of life.  I am barely here myself, my wings weary and tattered.  But a feather floats in the wind...  Even in the darkness, it still shines, just like you.  That feather carries all the hope and prayers that I wish the stars and heavens would hear, and maybe with the wind's help, it will fly and somehow reach your heart.

Love knows no pride.  It will bend even the most immovable knees, with no shame in one pleading please.  One call for help from your beloved, and any walls in between come tumbling down.  Love knows no distance.  Miles apart, or a world away, it does not matter, as love's wings will find a way to fly to one's heart.  Love never gives up, and Love never lets go...

And, where I happen to agree with the Bible -- Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no surrender to its perseverance, no fading of its hope; it can bear and outlast anything.  Love never fails nor dies.  It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen.

I guess that's where I am now.  When everyone else has turned away and given up, I am still here...

Dreaming of You -- the beautiful song has a bit of Spanish, which I have translated:

Corazón...
  (My Heart/Love...)

No puedo dejar de pensar en ti...
  (I can't stop thinking about you...)

Cómo te necesito...
  (How I need you...)

Mi amor, cómo te extraño...
   (My love, how I miss you....)