Light

Saturday, January 16, 2021

I should have been getting some rest, with never-ending work to do.  But for some reason, I had the yearn to take an aimless walk, something I had not done in a while.  As I walked the dim streets, it seemed as though I may have been the only one out wandering with no particular purpose, except perhaps to reflect.  Reflect upon my meaning, or lack of.  Where is life meant to lead us?  Why do I do the things I do?  Does what I do matter in the bigger scheme of things?

Memories flash in the dark.  Older times, younger times.  The joys of being a child I did not realize back then.  Innocent and unaware of the pain and complications to be endured as an adult.  During our youth, we are so full of potential, yet it is rarely maximized.  The hope continues growing up, until the energy wanes, deterioration and disappointments set in, and we realize that perhaps life may not be as significant as we once believed.  And there comes a certain point, where we finally see that we've reached the phase where things begin to dip, like sinking into quicksand.

The body weakens and no longer reacts like it used to.  Wounds no longer heal as quickly, nor as well; and ailments begin to creep in.  Enthusiasm and motivation wane, and we begin to question if untarnished and absolute happiness is even possible.  The mind and soul no longer as safe as it once was when we were children; now much more vulnerable to the ravages of getting older.  Before we know it, the grim realities of life begin to catch up to us and mercilessly take away from us what mean the most.  And the hope that we once had, becomes a fading light, slowly becoming lost to the darkness of truth and time.

I did not walk very far, as work and responsibility loomed over my mind.  Yet, when I arrived back, I saw my dogs jump up on the gate and greet me with just as much joy as when I first had them years ago.  And it dawned on me, that I had never taken them on a walk, ever.  Things as such, which I used to enjoy when I was younger, had been extracted away and expelled as an inefficiency.

Simpler things that used to nourish the spirit, I overlooked or perhaps just did not have the time for anymore, and maybe deemed as not constructive to the castle I am building that I thought would take me to the sky.  Now I don't know whether to wonder about the point of building a castle, or why it feels so empty, or about the sky getting darker, or what we are meant to be doing, or where we are all meant to go, or about the feeling of flying when the spirit felt so high... or just the mystery of it all...

The mystery of the future is something I used to be excited about as a child, always looking forward to tomorrow.  But now that darkness ahead is something I dread.  Like a sickness, fear has crawled into my soul, eroding my peace.  If only time could turn back...  Where or how to find the courage to face it, I do not know.  I only hold on to my hope, my wish -- that all that mean the most to me, all who I love and hold dear in my heart... will be there waiting beyond the darkness for me, where there is light and true happiness...  Where we can be together once again.