Tiger

It's hard as we grow older, to witness those around us deteriorating, just as I am myself also crumbling. I still try to look for my old self in the dark, seeing if I can conjure up the vitality of yesteryears, but I may just be chasing a shadow. Though should I be able to reach the pinnacle again, with invincibility close enough to feel like I used to, then I can again be that pillar for others to lean on, the guardian to provide and to uplift, and the hero to try and save others.

But you see, therein lies the problem. Full regeneration is likely beyond reach now. And what do I expect? I've been burning the midnight oil for many years, working insane amounts of hours doing a mentally stressful job, sacrificing sleep and health. You do that for so long, you are bound to suffer the ill consequences, and some of that damage is probably irreparable.

And it's a shame that all the while I was slaving away for the benefit of others, they squandered, gimmicked, and traveled the world. If you abandon your partner for great lengths of time every year with no info on when is your return (and label yourself as single, and your siblings/friends directly confirm to me that you are seeking other options during all of your abandonments and that you are a serial dater looking for greener pastures), then do not be surprised about my historically rebellious and exploratory behaviors. If you can't keep your bad habits in check, then don't expect others to be able to either. The cycle just repeats.

Do you expect a confined tiger you have abandoned to sit still for many months/years waiting if/when you will come back? Do you think that tiger will not venture out and explore the jungle if you threw it out? Do you think that tiger might misbehave and lose control if you don't give it care? Do you think that tiger will not become hungry if you don't feed it? Do you think that tiger will not roar if you keep stabbing it? And do you think that tiger will not approach a sparkling oasis if you leave it thirsty in the desert?

And if you are unable to take care of a dog, if you abandon your partner whenever you feel like it, if you lack the ability to peacefully communicate especially when your partner has been reaching out, if you prioritize your friends, gimmicks, and travels over your partner, and if your general behavior is not improving or maturing over the years, then taking care of a child should be out of the question. It would be better not to bring it into this world, in order to save that child the misery of a neglected and callous upbringing full of broken people and broken dreams. At least a dog is not completely aware of such complexities.

Dreams are overrated for many anyway. We start off with great potential as children, but as we grow older, we realize that for most of our life, we are held back by various chains and barriers, and so it ends up being just a gradual descent throughout. I've always been a hard worker, but that can only get you so far, even for the very disciplined and persistent like me. Only the very lucky ones, who are given or thrust into extremely fortunate situations, can probably reach some of their higher dreams. For common folk like myself, decline is the general trend, as lady luck is likely to bring more disasters than golden coconuts.

I think even one of the few significant remaining dreams I have, which is to retire early, is likely already unattainable given my current state. Although I could encash the pieces of paper to make that a reality, and take back Cookie as well so that she can be properly cared for. But right now, though my patience is being tested to its limits, I'm still trying my best to hold on to what we have, so I would prefer to sacrifice that dream for a greater dream, which is to spend what remains of my life together in harmony instead of repeatedly apart each year because of quarrels, enjoying the simple moments of life with less stress and more peace, less materialistic or shallow pursuits and more contentment, less turbulence and more smooth happy sailing.

I don't know what else to do, so I hope you can understand why I keep writing here. Even though I know the entire world wishes for me to have already given up by now, I am still trying because I see something no one else can, because it was only I who lived the experiences.

Indeed, this tiger may be wasting time and life by waiting for so long and possibly for nothing, and so ultimately if no one really returns, then I may indeed eventually be forced to finally take the papers so that I can get some rest before my life is all said and done.

Because yes, we likely only have one life to live. However, it's when we finally see this with clear sight instead of blinded eyes do we realize that there are actually two aspects at odds -- that we only have one opportunity to chase after all selfish pursuits, or that we have only one lifetime to spend with those dearest to us. And that is exactly why, for now, the tiger continues to wait.