Beyond the hills of forest, there is literally a "David's Summit" on the map. They said the Hand of God could be seen there, but with my usual bad luck, the residents said the hand is long gone. Instead, there is now a heart... The shadow that haunts my life...
Along the path, I see this pig... I see that he is literally tied, but I also know his fate. A life he was not able to enjoy, a purpose not chosen by him, a hand that feeds him not out of love but out of utility/self-interest, and a tragic destiny awaiting him. There is no rest, there is no peace, there is no love, there is no happy ending...
Every day I hate waking up because I see once again the scars, the mess of a painting I've created over the years, and I have to live seeing it, knowing it, remembering it, and realizing that I will be enduring the rest of my life trying to live with these broken things slicing and bleeding in my mind, eternally. I already know the remaining path ahead will likely be very lonely. Maybe rightfully so, for someone who is already damaged goods.
Everlasting happiness I was not able to attain, but I felt it during fleeting moments before I lost them. Despite that, I think I got one of the key pieces I needed in this life. Maybe not peace of mind because every day is an inner struggle, but peace in my soul that carries the past and all that I protect in my core. And it's very important to me that there is still a signal connecting me to all those within, that I can always reach, even if only in my mind. A big part of me had been shattered and aching, so I am deeply grateful for the momentary sunlight and summer breeze. It means a lot, especially in my dark corner of the world.
Now, there is nothing left. I guess just helping others who depend on me, but I think everyone I've helped I've gifted with strong wings already. Apart from that, there is nothing else, just existence, so I will just take it a day at a time. Responsibilities I will take care of while I still can. Work I will sustain for as long as possible, but I cannot promise anything. Been the laboring aquarius my entire life, so I've just been dying to pause and catch my breath from carrying the weight of the world.
Really, I've done all there is in life. This game is essentially finished, and now we can just wait. Wait for nature to take its course, because I am embroiled in some kind of mission impossible scenario. Not exactly the best position to be in at this stage of my life where I should be enjoying the sunset, but sometimes that's just the way it is I guess.
If there's anything I know better than anyone else, it's myself. Do you know the feeling of being so all alone to the point that it drives you insane or towards self-destruction? Believe me, you likely do not. Not the way that I feel it. For me, when it comes to this, mental self-control is overridden by my inherent nature. But what I do have is the ability to withstand great amounts of pain and torture, because for me, it does not compare to the fearful dread of loss and abandonment.
A lot of people are not able to empathize with my attachment issues because they don't have that tendency and cannot feel the hurt, fear, and anxiety that I do, but if I were to describe it, it's like blood. I cannot let it go, because it's like killing myself. It's daily, constant dread that requires connection and reassurance. Loss and abandonment, these are like death to me. Literally, it feels like impending doom. And so, it's my instinct to try and prevent it. Only the subject can end me.
It's just the way I am... Do I ever forget? Never... Do I ever not care? Never... Do I ever let go? Never... It's something that never dies, no matter the distance or time.
If you truly know me, then you'd know what's most important to me. If you gave me love... then that's all I ever asked for, all I ever wanted, and all I'll ever need.
How Am I Supposed to Live Without You - Michael Bolton
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFood_bTOX4
Making Love Out of Nothing At All - Air Supply
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EA0sk1pykbk
My Love - Westlife
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEIf1aIfXYQ
Up Where We Belong - Joe Cocker, Jennifer Warnes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjrOcrisGyI
Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You - Glenn Medeiros
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUg5aEy-8CQ
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