Sadly, the ship did sink in the icy waters. Half-dead and sinking into the black depths, several months ago a cold entity did manage to pull me up and keep me alive. I just can't understand why God allowed this encounter, as it is a collision that should never have happened. Polar opposites. But maybe God did it so that I would survive the sinking, when I was losing everything (my family, my Wind, my stability, myself). However, I didn't know that I would be entering a labyrinth of dark alleys as a result.
Weeks ago, a flood of emotions. Walking through an empty house. Doing my exercise routine for probably the last time around a subdivision I've just realized I spent a large chunk of my life living in. Petting all my dogs for what could have been the final time, though I will try to get Jackie back again one day when I can find a way. Jackie and Cookie, they are the innocents in my life... The slivers of goodness and purity from past times of peace and joy.
And now, I'm in a different place and trying to adapt to a very strange and abnormal way of life. Even my chameleon abilities of being able to adjust are getting stretched to their limits, as the various pigments of this new world are so bizarre and so far away from my true colors.
Ever feel like you are solving a puzzle, trying to put the pieces together, and you are not yet quite sure whether the big picture forming in front of your eyes is good or bad? Or maybe you can already tell that it's most likely bad, yet you cannot accept loss, so there's no turning back... And you keep hoping it's just an illusion with a better actual image in the end, so you just keep hanging on. I've found myself in that situation a few times in my life, including now. In fact, my whole life is kind of like that...
My life actually should be very different right now if I was not born this way, where I tend to care more for others than I do myself, so I guess that's why I'm still breaking my back working to this very day, even if I continue to get neglected and abused by others, and even if my luck has dwindled drastically since the pandemic. It is said that no amount of money ever bought a second of time... Yes, but... if I had even a decent portion of what I earned over the years, then I should already be retired by now and the time I have left might be a little easier on me... I just want to get some rest, be able to sleep peacefully, and not have so much hanging over my shoulders every single day.
Before my life plummets, I'd be grateful to be able to experience life in that way and to be able to enjoy for myself some of the money I earned over the many years of my life. Because really, it's been a rough life mentally... I wouldn't have minded if it was just physically laborious, but it's the mental stress, the psychological trauma, the emotional suffering, the affliction of maltreatment, the soul-consuming mind "games", the neglect and abuse... basically, all the antagonists of love.
Onto a different topic... Definitely not the first laceration, but this one is the first laceration that has hit a bone. Not a great feeling... but what actually hurt more was the lack of concern. In fact, if ever something were to happen to me, I don't even think a tear would be shed for me. And that is actually a bit symbolic of the bigger and darker picture.
Anyway, I don't want to talk to anyone, even to those who know me deeply. Actually, especially those who know me deeply, because I don't want stress/fighting and deeper depression. I am just seeking out therapy via writing on this blog, because due to the way God made me, it makes my situation inescapable and irreparable. It's insanity, but that's the way David is... even if it's causing me to bleed, I will just continue hanging on for as long as I am still alive.
And if you know me, then you know it's not the first implosion. Jumping into Kalaklan River in Olongapo and getting cut up by the pollution-infested waters before sinking into the tarry mud at the bottom. Or jumping into the Pasig River from PUP and almost getting swept by the undercurrents. Or dangling out from the 25th floor of a building in Ortigas. Or inadvertently breaking my hand bone (metacarpal) on two different occasions. Somehow, through it all, I am still alive.
It's been a long time since I've seen this David... This side or version is the most suppressed, although it probably contains the most raw emotions and honest thoughts. It doesn't come out unless there is so much frustration that the implosion decimates all patience and all control. It's really a reaction out of helplessness. Even the sweetest dog would react if continually abused. It's a cry for some understanding, some compassion, some help, some love...
Anyway, I just can't believe all the things that have happened in my life over the years, and until now there is no relief... It's been so long since I was truly happy and now I see it's no longer possible. Sometimes I wonder if this is some kind of bad dream... maybe it's still the pandemic and I am just asleep... or I am in a coma and never woke up.
But no, this is very real. It's actually a perfect scenario, the perfect punishment for my past sins. Because God knows I have the in-born trait not to flee once I am poisoned and the hooks are into me, he has cast into my life a malevolent spirit to create a perfect storm. You see, this labyrinth of dark alleys is my Hell, and that's why there is no escape...
Lonely Won't Leave Me Alone - Glenn Medeiros
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWySp5j4Zvk
You Are Not Alone - Michael Jackson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02dMNQxwy48
Love Takes Time - Mariah Carey
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkDpwF6-QiA
More Than Words - Extreme
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrIiLvg58SY
Run To You - Whitney Houston
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9rCobRl-ng
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