Endure

For a natural deviation/distraction that has since long passed and was mild for a man, with nothing physical that transpired, it was blown out of proportion, perhaps as justification for an extended vacation or spree.  And I guess that's fine, since I am currently constrained in currency having to take care of government obligations (plus my health problems), and I know how the hangers-on (who are talented deceivers) are ironically deeply valued and thus enjoying the advantages of their brainwashing.

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Reflection

There is a saying, "Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image," and that can be interpreted in behavior as a projection, but it can also mean how others have projected upon us. Keep repeating the same behavior that instigates issues, don't be surprised to see that reflected back in ways that may not be desirable. Improvement begets improvement, rebellion begets rebellion, goodness begets goodness, neglect begets neglect, compassion begets compassion, indiscipline begets indiscipline, support begets support, grace begets grace, so on and so forth.

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Achilles' Heel

I'm sorry.  I'm still alive.  I've just been battling some health problems.  If I am unable to get the positive momentum I need, then you may very well be witnessing the twilight phase -- the last few posts of this blog.

That day may come, but not today.  Though I am disheartened by my stumbles, I have not yet completely lost determination in trying to become better in multiple facets of my life.  And I always want to be that hero, so know that I bleed to see one I care for hurting when I falter.

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Sleeping Child

As a child, our world is very small, and our joys simple, pure, and innocent.  We live mostly by the day, not really concerned about plans and mostly ignorant of future complexities.  But as we grow, strings and chains start pulling us in different directions, the expanding world gradually changes from fresh experiences into accumulating burdens we carry, and our eyes are opened so much that things are no longer as beautiful as they once were.

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Dark Horse

Simon and I ventured out again.  We wanted to explore outside of Manila, but it was already too late in the day, so we just chose a random spot on the map that was near the coast (Tanza in the Navotas-Malabon area) and hoped to catch the sunset, in which we were unsuccessful.

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Black Hole

Apparently, I was informed life has become too comfortable for some that it has become boring to take care of responsibility.  This to me, seems very childish or immature.  I was a bit taken aback by that, since if we were to reverse that to my viewpoint, had I given up or not taken care of my responsibility for all those years, we would have much larger problems now than being bored.

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Castle in the Sky

Dingalan has somehow cast a spell on me. The brightness, the positivity, the paradise -- have somehow enchanted my soul. But the problem is, it has caused a glitch in my mind, and has now revealed the darkness in my life.

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Islands

I am having a bit of withdrawal symptoms from my recent escapade.  It seems my mind and body is still hanging onto that carefree feeling of not being tied down to work (which I have been doing for many years) and just enjoying the sun, the water, the nature all around, and the nature within myself.

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Abyss

I've been doing some long-distance biking again to nearby provinces (Rizal, Pampanga, Cavite).  I also climbed a mountain recently (Mt. Arayat), as I wanted to see if my body could still handle the physical exertion, since it's categorized as being a fairly difficult climb, particularly North Peak (the highest point of this dormant volcano).  To cut the story short, I expected to breeze through the climb.  Yet in reality, it was quite hard since I did not eat beforehand and didn't bring extra fluids, plus the terrain wasn't a rolling incline but a rocky ascent.  But, I did make it to the top.  It would have been more entertaining had I not embarked on this adventure alone, but I decided not to bring a friend, since it seems there's always money involved rather than just pure care.

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Alchemy

Stabs in the back are painful, and even more, disheartening or even devastating when it is someone you trust who starts to connive with others, against you or for your demise.  A mere insult from others, if liked or agreed upon by the one who matters to you, or perhaps if they should even laugh along with them instead of coming to your defense, is just something that morphs into sharper and more damaging forms of betrayal over time -- "bullets" you never see coming.

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Flag

I am not enchanted by money, the famous, or big names.  Neither filthy rich billionaires, powerful politicians, nor glamorous stars leave me in awe.  Nothing does.  If you know the meaning of life, if you know the secrets of the universe, if you know a "fountain of youth," if you know why life has to be taken away after it's been given, or what comes after; then I'd be interested.  Otherwise, you are no different than me, mortal.  And no matter what you may have, we're all just dust in the end.

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Love and Spirit

Sunday, June 6, 2021

I sometimes lie awake in bed, having a hard time sleeping.  Eyes closed, but thoughts run through my mind, segments of my life flashing before my eyes.  From various periods and places, even memories from long ago, as early as I can remember during childhood and growing up.  Some are from events of the present.  And some are fears of the future, because even as much as we may try, it inevitably leads to bleeding, metaphorically speaking.  And because it can't be predicted, that uncertainty of not knowing when or what things will happen can be heavy to bear.

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Light

Saturday, January 16, 2021

I should have been getting some rest, with never-ending work to do.  But for some reason, I had the yearn to take an aimless walk, something I had not done in a while.  As I walked the dim streets, it seemed as though I may have been the only one out wandering with no particular purpose, except perhaps to reflect.  Reflect upon my meaning, or lack of.  Where is life meant to lead us?  Why do I do the things I do?  Does what I do matter in the bigger scheme of things?

Memories flash in the dark.  Older times, younger times.  The joys of being a child I did not realize back then.  Innocent and unaware of the pain and complications to be endured as an adult.  During our youth, we are so full of potential, yet it is rarely maximized.  The hope continues growing up, until the energy wanes, deterioration and disappointments set in, and we realize that perhaps life may not be as significant as we once believed.  And there comes a certain point, where we finally see that we've reached the phase where things begin to dip, like sinking into quicksand.

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Serpent

Friday, September 18, 2020

Stress has been getting the better of me lately.  It preoccupies my mind, day and night, even while I work.  And when I am able to sleep, it sometimes infiltrates my dreams.  It has disrupted my routine, day-to-day life, and positive momentum.  Essentially, it has placed pressure on all parts of my existence, that it is gradually pulling me into a vacuum; imploding me into a black hole of insanity, unless provoked into a raging supernova.  Neither of which I desire, but I am here on the cusp, though every passing day I am hoping for a return to stability and normalcy.

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Kryptonite

Tuesday, September 8, 2020

Some have asked whether I am still alive.  Yes, I am.  I have just been trying to focus as I deal with things, and I tend to stay quiet and try to manage with all that I carry on my shoulders, so as not to affect others.  But, there are times when there is a lot to bear.  It has not been a very good year for me, but I do my best to channel my energy towards positive and constructive things.

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Dreaming of You

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

I wake up, back in this dreary world.  The curtains shut, with only faint light coming in; I can't tell if it's still day or night now, but there is no reason to check, so I don't bother getting up.  I was looking through photographs earlier, when my mind began to race away, re-visiting old memories.  Swept away into a trance that I did not want to leave, my mind adamantly kept on with its recollections until my eyes gradually closed, perhaps hoping my reminiscing would continue on in my dreams...

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Cherish

Sunday, November 3, 2019

This illness is passing, but it has left me lethargic, nauseated, and devoid of all energy.  It seems to have sucked out the motivation, appetite, and pleasant mood out of me.  Not only that, but it has left me shaken in some way (and sometimes literally shaking/jittery inside), where I can't seem to avoid thinking bad thoughts and sleep has not been restful.  There is this sense of impending doom, and it has been disturbing me.  Exercise used to help me a little in such situations, but this time, I just don't have the energy.  Instead, I decided to go for a stroll and visit a familiar place that has some hustle-and-bustle I could hopefully absorb a little of.

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Still Sick

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Almost a week now, and I'm still not feeling well.  I'm losing a bit of weight, as I have not been able to eat much, since there is no one around.  When I am not so busy with work, I think I will need to get some lab tests done at the hospital since other symptoms have cropped up in the past couple of days, particularly a deep, dry cough and heart/chest discomfort.

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Sick

Sunday, October 27, 2019

There is no one around, and I have been sick for three days straight and counting, with fever that has not yet gone back to normal temperature, bone/joint pains, achy muscles, excruciating lower back/kidney pain, migraine, eye pain/sensitivity to light, and inability to stay upright for very long.  It is one of the worst I've felt, if not the worst, in terms of pain from a fever-accompanied illness.  Fortunately, my friend Orlan has been looking after me throughout this time; otherwise, I'm not sure what would have happened as I don't think I would have been able to obtain food.  I've been trying to eat some liver, as I'm not sure where to obtain soup-based food that is not prepared with MSG.  Maybe someone has some ideas.  I'd like to avoid taking any medicine if possible, but the work week is about to start again, so I may have to.  We'll see.

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Paradox

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

Try as I may, I am having a hard time focusing these days (months, actually... almost half a year now, and it just keeps twisting and piling up).  There is a deep sadness and disappointment that clouds over me as I ponder upon life...  You try your best and give it your all, but life just doesn't seem to reciprocate, sometimes bringing you the opposite, and even hitting you from all sides.  It's a disheartening paradox; you cannot even fathom.  Only God knows (or maybe he doesn't) how I'm still, relatively, here.

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Heart of the Earth

Friday, August 30, 2019

I have not been feeling my best and luck has not been going my way, but my mind is still fairly intact and my body is somehow still holding up -- enough so that I had the energy today to go on a long walk to meditate.

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Sanctuary

Sunday, June 30, 2019

I have not been feeling well lately.  My eating has not been substantial for the past few days, and sleep has not been restful.  I have a pounding headache, and my back is killing me.  Makes me feel like an old man at times.  But at the end of the day, rain or shine (or super typhoons), I've got to do my very best to remain level-headed and try to keep up with work, even when feeling down.

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Walking to the End of the Earth

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

I've had a string of bad luck lately that have gotten me feeling down.  But interestingly, earthquakes struck the past couple of days, and they have given me some perspective, that I should still be thankful.  Grateful that I'm alive and healthy, and appreciative of what I have.

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Fever and Night's Solitude

Sunday, April 14, 2019

I went out on a past-midnight walk/run, wanting to break a sweat and shake off this deep cough.  The night's solitude and the fever were temporarily therapeutic, partly dissipating thoughts that were occupying my mind.

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Binangonan - Kalbaryo

Thursday, February 21, 2019

Well, it's been a while.  Thank you to all who remembered me and greeted me a happy birthday last month, as well as to those who have sent messages regarding my inactivity for the past several months.  I guess I've been busy, with work and other things.  And I've been battling some ongoing health issues.

I don't know why motivation to update the blog suddenly blew my way, despite being so busy and tired.  I guess I've always tended to gravitate towards the blog when there's no one else to talk to.  Maybe in a way, I'm talking to myself, and in another way, I'm channeling my energy towards something that I used to really enjoy doing and something that's somewhat positive and creative.

Today, or yesterday I should say, I took a trip to U.P. Diliman to visit my old friend Simon.  It was last Summer since I last visited him.  I found him, his daughter, and his flower shop there still doing well.  I know he's always busy now with his family and his business, but I tried to convince him to go on a small adventure, like we used to.  Problem was, no one was available to take care of his daughter, Hope.  So, we decided, we'd take her with us :)

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Ember

Thursday, July 5, 2018

I wrote an article a few years back, entitled "The Wind and the Fire".  I spoke metaphorically about an inspirational time in my life.  I was the fire.  And the wind had breathed new motivation in me.  Yet, over the years, the caressing breeze and harmony turned into violent storms and tornadoes.  Regardless, the fire in me was able to withstand, albeit barely at times, all the torrential havoc.

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Monsoon

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Wave after wave, the rains slam down.  There are times, where you believe clear skies are finally ahead, only to be shocked that you were dead wrong.  In fact it is during these times, where you may lower your guard somewhat, that the blow knocks you down and hurts the most.

Unfortunately, some people don't get back up or survive the ravaging from the typhoons of bad times and depression.

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Old House

Thursday, June 14, 2018

This post has a melancholy feel to it, for me.  Particularly because my grandmother has memories living and working at this place.  And today it is like a skeleton of its former self, so devoid of life.  It makes me wonder what it was like during its prime.  But more, it makes me regret that period of time has gone and is no more.  It is now just a memory, living only in the mind of my grandmother, and those she has told her stories to, such as myself.

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Eclipse

Friday, June 1, 2018

A few weeks ago, I met this Aeta in Subic.  We made a fire together using just bamboo.  He may look silly in this photo, but he has a lot of admirable traits.

He is proud of who he naturally is.  He has not forgotten where he came from, and how he got to where he is today.  He understands the value of hard work.  And whatever I could offer, he genuinely showed appreciation.  These are some qualities that earn my respect.

Unfortunately, most of those who encircle me do not share the same perspectives or appreciation for good principles; and my influence, for whatever reason, is weak upon them, if not countered or ignored completely.  Oftentimes, my say is worthless.

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Pain

Wednesday, May 23, 2018


(Tagalog and English versions below)

May gusto ako sabihin na makasakaling makatulong sa iba.  Lahat tayo ay merong mga kahinaan, at alam ko yung sa akin.  Isa sa mga kahinaan ko ay yung inklinasyon na saktan ang sarili (na ngayon ay bihira ko na gawin, dahil malinaw naman na hindi ito mabuti para sa atin, kaso nga lang ito ay nangangailangan ng matibay na kalooban para iwasan).  At gusto kong gumawa ng ilang mga paglilinaw tungkol dito sa pag-asa na makakatulong ito sa iba.

Hindi lahat ng nananakit ng sarili ay pareho, at may magkakaibang mga dahilan. Hindi lahat ay baliw at hindi lahat ay gusto magpakamatay.

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