Odyssey | noun | od•ys•sey | \ ˈä-də-sē \ 1 : a long wandering or voyage usually marked by many changes of fortune 2 : an intellectual or spiritual wandering or quest
I came home from biking this morning to find that Goldie, one of my golden retrievers, had passed away.
She was always the quiet and calm one. Never a troublemaker, and was always submissive to the other dogs as she did not want to fight. She was a very sweet and peaceful dog, an innocent. Even during times when she was weak, she would still wag her tail and try to get up for you to show you that she cared and loves you.
By chance, I had been spending more time in the backyard the past couple of weeks to break a sweat, and so I was able to give her a little more TLC than usual, which I had been remiss with for the past years due to being so busy with work all the time. I wish I could have had some more time to make it up to her.
I thought about staying silent, but things are getting out of hand. If it's not disappointing and embarrassing for your family, it is for me. And if they are afraid to say anything, I am not, because I am the root of where everything originated from.
I recently lost one of my dogs during a residential move. Furniture was gradually being moved on a daily basis, and one day I came back to the house to find one of my dogs missing. There's no CCTV, so I am not sure exactly what happened, but if anyone sees him, please contact me. I am offering a 200,000 php reward. He is small, light-colored, white with light brown patches. Last seen in Maybunga, Pasig.
It's hard as we grow older, to witness those around us deteriorating, just as I am myself also crumbling. I still try to look for my old self in the dark, seeing if I can conjure up the vitality of yesteryears, but I may just be chasing a shadow. Though should I be able to reach the pinnacle again, with invincibility close enough to feel like I used to, then I can again be that pillar for others to lean on, the guardian to provide and to uplift, and the hero to try and save others.
It's a bit lonely on this mission when isolated, but I have to journey on solitarily without Orangutan, as he is too avaricious, which shows that he is not a true friend.
Petroglyphs in Angono dating back to circa 3,000 B.C. Images of humans and animals carved on rock, the artwork likely signifies some story, known only to their creator. Briefly, I internalize, imagining symbols in a personal story.
Time flies... On this day, another cycle repeats. The clock ticks -- perhaps it's already halfway through? No one really knows how many left, but we can remain hopeful.
Cycles seem to lengthen, and the journey back is longer and more arduous as time goes on. Like a pigeon flying home, distances become farther with each cycle, unknowing when health or an accident may render the pigeon no longer able to flap its wings or see home again.
It doesn't matter anyway how much longer there is, since the best of me is now but a distant dream -- once vivid, bursting with potential, and easily within reach, yet now harder to grasp and relive as time takes it farther away.
Maybe I've become more desensitized over the years. I guess this just comes with time, as I've endured so many things in life. Storms, blizzards, droughts, wildfires, and everything in between. We bend and adapt to survive, and try to heal or become stronger and wiser. Yet nature creeps and erodes, just as material and flesh gradually fade and deteriorate.
Deep down however, in my core all is protected and everlasting, as inside I remain true and unchanging. Just as songs are forever young and timeless, only waiting to be revisited -- graced by our presence and reflection -- memories, flashbacks, and emotions remain alive inside, just as vibrant and powerful as they once were, time after time.
For a natural deviation/distraction that has since long passed and was mild for a man, with nothing physical that transpired, it was blown out of proportion, perhaps as justification for an extended vacation or spree. And I guess that's fine, since I am currently constrained in currency having to take care of government obligations (plus my health problems), and I know how the hangers-on (who are talented deceivers) are ironically deeply valued and thus enjoying the advantages of their brainwashing.
There is a saying, "Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image," and that can be interpreted in behavior as a projection, but it can also mean how others have projected upon us. Keep repeating the same behavior that instigates issues, don't be surprised to see that reflected back in ways that may not be desirable. Improvement begets improvement, rebellion begets rebellion, goodness begets goodness, neglect begets neglect, compassion begets compassion, indiscipline begets indiscipline, support begets support, grace begets grace, so on and so forth.
I'm sorry. I'm still alive. I've just been battling some health problems. If I am unable to get the positive momentum I need, then you may very well be witnessing the twilight phase -- the last few posts of this blog.
That day may come, but not today. Though I am disheartened by my stumbles, I have not yet completely lost determination in trying to become better in multiple facets of my life. And I always want to be that hero, so know that I bleed to see one I care for hurting when I falter.
As a child, our world is very small, and our joys simple, pure, and
innocent. We live mostly by the day, not really concerned about plans
and mostly ignorant of future complexities. But as we grow, strings and
chains start pulling us in different directions, the expanding world
gradually changes from fresh experiences into accumulating burdens we
carry, and our eyes are opened so much that things are no longer as
beautiful as they once were.
Simon and I ventured out again. We wanted to explore outside of Manila,
but it was already too late in the day, so we just chose a random spot
on the map that was near the coast (Tanza in the Navotas-Malabon area)
and hoped to catch the sunset, in which we were unsuccessful.
Apparently, I was informed life has become too comfortable for some that
it has become boring to take care of responsibility. This to me, seems
very childish or immature. I was a bit taken aback by that, since if
we were to reverse that to my viewpoint, had I given up or not taken
care of my responsibility for all those years, we would have much larger
problems now than being bored.
Dingalan has somehow cast a spell on me. The brightness, the
positivity, the paradise -- have somehow enchanted my soul. But the
problem is, it has caused a glitch in my mind, and has now revealed the
darkness in my life.
I am having a bit of withdrawal symptoms from my recent escapade. It
seems my mind and body is still hanging onto that carefree feeling of
not being tied down to work (which I have been doing for many years) and
just enjoying the sun, the water, the nature all around, and the nature
within myself.
I've been doing some long-distance biking again to nearby provinces (Rizal, Pampanga, Cavite). I also climbed a mountain recently (Mt. Arayat), as I wanted to see if my body could still handle the physical exertion, since it's categorized as being a fairly difficult climb, particularly North Peak (the highest point of this dormant volcano). To cut the story short, I expected to breeze through the climb. Yet in reality, it was quite hard since I did not eat beforehand and didn't bring extra fluids, plus the terrain wasn't a rolling incline but a rocky ascent. But, I did make it to the top. It would have been more entertaining had I not embarked on this adventure alone, but I decided not to bring a friend, since it seems there's always money involved rather than just pure care.
Stabs in the back are painful, and even more, disheartening or even devastating when it is someone you trust who starts to connive with others, against you or for your demise. A mere insult from others, if liked or agreed upon by the one who matters to you, or perhaps if they should even laugh along with them instead of coming to your defense, is just something that morphs into sharper and more damaging forms of betrayal over time -- "bullets" you never see coming.
I am not enchanted by money, the famous, or big names. Neither filthy rich billionaires, powerful politicians, nor glamorous stars leave me in awe. Nothing does. If you know the meaning of life, if you know the secrets of the universe, if you know a "fountain of youth," if you know why life has to be taken away after it's been given, or what comes after; then I'd be interested. Otherwise, you are no different than me, mortal. And no matter what you may have, we're all just dust in the end.
I sometimes lie awake in bed, having a hard time sleeping. Eyes closed, but thoughts run through my mind, segments of my life flashing before my eyes. From various periods and places, even memories from long ago, as early as I can remember during childhood and growing up. Some are from events of the present. And some are fears of the future, because even as much as we may try, it inevitably leads to bleeding, metaphorically speaking. And because it can't be predicted, that uncertainty of not knowing when or what things will happen can be heavy to bear.
I should have been getting some rest, with never-ending work to do. But for some reason, I had the yearn to take an aimless walk, something I had not done in a while. As I walked the dim streets, it seemed as though I may have been the only one out wandering with no particular purpose, except perhaps to reflect. Reflect upon my meaning, or lack of. Where is life meant to lead us? Why do I do the things I do? Does what I do matter in the bigger scheme of things?
Memories flash in the dark. Older times, younger times. The joys of being a child I did not realize back then. Innocent and
unaware of the pain and complications to be endured as an adult. During our youth, we are so full of potential, yet it is rarely maximized. The hope continues growing up, until the energy wanes, deterioration and disappointments set in, and we realize that perhaps life may not be as significant as we once believed. And there comes a certain point, where we finally see that we've reached the phase where things begin to dip, like sinking into quicksand.
Stress has been getting the better of me lately. It preoccupies my mind, day and night, even while I work. And when I am able to sleep, it sometimes infiltrates my dreams. It has disrupted my routine, day-to-day life, and positive momentum. Essentially, it has placed pressure on all parts of my existence, that it is gradually pulling me into a vacuum; imploding me into a black hole of insanity, unless provoked into a raging supernova. Neither of which I desire, but I am here on the cusp, though every passing day I am hoping for a return to stability and normalcy.
Some have asked whether I am still alive. Yes, I am. I have just been trying to focus as I deal with things, and I tend to stay quiet and try to manage with all that I carry on my shoulders, so as not to affect others. But, there are times when there is a lot to bear. It has not been a very good year for me, but I do my best to channel my energy towards positive and constructive things.
I wake up, back in this dreary world. The curtains shut, with only faint light coming in; I can't tell if it's still day or night now, but there is no reason to check, so I don't bother getting up. I was looking through photographs earlier, when my mind began to race away, re-visiting old memories. Swept away into a trance that I did not want to leave, my mind adamantly kept on with its recollections until my eyes gradually closed, perhaps hoping my reminiscing would continue on in my dreams...
This illness is passing, but it has left me lethargic, nauseated, and devoid of all energy. It seems to have sucked out the motivation, appetite, and pleasant mood out of me. Not only that, but it has left me shaken in some way (and sometimes literally shaking/jittery inside), where I can't seem to avoid thinking bad thoughts and sleep has not been restful. There is this sense of impending doom, and it has been disturbing me. Exercise used to help me a little in such situations, but this time, I just don't have the energy. Instead, I decided to go for a stroll and visit a familiar place that has some hustle-and-bustle I could hopefully absorb a little of.
Almost a week now, and I'm still not feeling well. I'm losing a bit of weight, as I have not been able to eat much, since there is no one around. When I am not so busy with work, I think I will need to get some lab tests done at the hospital since other symptoms have cropped up in the past couple of days, particularly a deep, dry cough and heart/chest discomfort.
There is no one around, and I have been sick for three days straight and counting, with fever that has not yet gone back to normal temperature, bone/joint pains, achy muscles, excruciating lower back/kidney pain, migraine, eye pain/sensitivity to light, and inability to stay upright for very long. It is one of the worst I've felt, if not the worst, in terms of pain from a fever-accompanied illness. Fortunately, my friend Orlan has been looking after me throughout this time; otherwise, I'm not sure what would have happened as I don't think I would have been able to obtain food. I've been trying to eat some liver, as I'm not sure where to obtain soup-based food that is not prepared with MSG. Maybe someone has some ideas. I'd like to avoid taking any medicine if possible, but the work week is about to start again, so I may have to. We'll see.
Try as I may, I am having a hard time focusing these days (months, actually... almost half a year now, and it just keeps twisting and piling up). There is a deep sadness and disappointment that clouds over me as I ponder upon life... You try your best and give it your all, but life just doesn't seem to reciprocate, sometimes bringing you the opposite, and even hitting you from all sides. It's a disheartening paradox; you cannot even fathom. Only God knows (or maybe he doesn't) how I'm still, relatively, here.
I have not been feeling my best and luck has not been going my way, but my mind is still fairly intact and my body is somehow still holding up -- enough so that I had the energy today to go on a long walk to meditate.
I have not been feeling well lately. My eating has not been substantial for the past few days, and sleep has not been restful. I have a pounding headache, and my back is killing me. Makes me feel like an old man at times. But at the end of the day, rain or shine (or super typhoons), I've got to do my very best to remain level-headed and try to keep up with work, even when feeling down.
I've had a string of bad luck lately that have gotten me feeling down. But interestingly, earthquakes struck the past couple of days, and they have given me some perspective, that I should still be thankful. Grateful that I'm alive and healthy, and appreciative of what I have.
You may also be wondering where all the old posts are at. Well, I plan on re-publishing them one by one, appending to the writing and injecting some new and retrospective thoughts; while at the same time, creating new posts as well with new content. So sort of going back and forth in time.
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